Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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