What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
