I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
