Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
