One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
