What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
