every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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