Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
