nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
