i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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