Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
