Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
