You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
