If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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