My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
