So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My vagina is very pro this idea
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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