Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
