Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
