Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
