I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
