you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
