I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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