Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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