U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
