Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
