She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
