Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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