Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
