At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
