I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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