How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
