So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
