I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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