someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
