Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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