your thong is hanging out like whoa
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
