drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
