You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
