Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
