My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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