and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
This toilet bowl is my home.
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