I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
