He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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