i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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