one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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