you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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