my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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