So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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