Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
