Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
