I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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