i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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