i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
