Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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