your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
