did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
