I accidentally had phone sex last night
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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